Being an Innocent By-standard Is a Spectator Sport.

Directly from Real conversations, by real people.


The Buddha Was a Tough Kid to Raise

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?


If by Pirate You Mean “I love Women, Then Yes”

Mother with little girl: Excuse me. My daughter wants to know if you’re a pirate.

Woman wearing bandana: No. I’m just a lesbian.


Hardly. He Could Have Said the Suitcase Was Full of Jessica Simpson CDs.

Younger black man with suitcase: I just want you all to know that I am getting on the train with a suspicious package.
Older black man, not looking up from his newspaper: Nigga, that is thestupidest thing you could have said.


Boys Are Just Accessories to Her.

Girl: Oh, I like your Irish necklace!
Guy: Here, you can have it.
Girl: Oh, wow, thanks! Now ill never forget you, Kevin!
Guy: It’s Evan.

Billy Decides to Stop Sucking

Mom: Say you’re sorry to Billy.
Tiny girl: But I’m not sorry!
Mom: Katy, you apologize right now!
Tiny girl: But you said lying was bad!
Mom: And hitting is bad too! Now say you’re sorry!
Tiny girl: I hit him with a stick because he sucks. And he still sucks, so I’m not sorry.
Mom: You hit him with a stick? (grabs Katy and storms over to father on picnic blanket)
Tiny girl, over her mother’s shoulder: I’m not sorry, Billy!

This girl has a bright future

Mother to father: Oh my! Jerry, say something to that old man. His testicles are hanging out of his swimsuit.
Little girl: I have testicles. They’re in my mouth. [Opens mouth]
Mother: Not tonsils. Testicles!

David Lynch’s Dune: The Director’s Cut

Girl: Hey, Daddy, look, I am riding a giant sand penis.
Daddy: I really don’t want to ever hear you say that again.
Girl: Daddy, do you want to ride the giant sand penis?

You Should’ve Seen Her… Her Tits were Bzzz!

Girl #1: Don’t go skinny dipping here.
Girl #2: Why not? That blind person is the only guy around.
Blind guy: I’m blind, not deaf. Now I can use the sound of your voice to project an image of you naked in my head. [He pauses for a moment.] It’s not pretty.

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